The Laws of E-Motion...Getting Unstuck!

“E-motions are energy in motion. They are the energy that moves us, human fuel.”

— John Bradshaw

Newton’s 1st law of motion (Inertia) - An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by a  force.  

Newtons third law of motion - For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

In terms of our emotions, this equal and opposite reaction often comes from within and can result in “stuckness.”  Think about the last time you were really worked up.  Did the emotion you felt continue in the same direction with the same force until it was again confronted by another outside force?  It’s more likely that you talked yourself down as the equal and opposite inside forces were at work.  This can be helpful for day to day efficient living and working, but if the initial feelings we have always get canceled out, we end up carrying them with us.  We then get stuck with a logjam of feelings which often results in anxiety or depression.

why am i stuck???

It’s quite common to feel more than one emotion at a time.  We have feelings about our feelings.  For example, I frequently hear my clients say, “I feel sad, but I can’t cry.”  When we dig a bit deeper we usually find that there’s a sense of shame surrounding the grief, and “strong people don’t give in to their tears.” (false)  There may also be a fear that if one begins to cry they will be engulfed by their sadness and the tears will never stop.  The “countering” emotions such as shame and fear can act as an equal and opposite force from within that have the effect of halting progress.  We get “stuck” when we say to ourselves, “There is a part of me that is unacceptable.”  This has the effect of stopping our emotional inertia and eliminating the freedom we need to move forward. 

Our emotions need the room to flow if we are going to get unstuck.  Safety is key.  A good therapist or trusted friend will provide a safe space for you to bypass your countering emotion so you can move toward resolution to your internal stuckness.  Once you’ve found this safe space with someone, you’ve created room for the suppressed  emotion to flow.  Resolution and healing follows.

- Joshua Grover LMHC

Toxic Shame vs. Healthy Shame

The opposite of personal wholeness is toxic shame.  

Toxic Shame

Toxic or unhealthy shame makes us feel deeply divided against ourselves.  For the person who struggles with toxic shame, it’s almost as if they walk alongside themselves in a spirit of constant criticism or comparison, whispering insults and judgment along the way.  Always attempting to measure up to some standard and never quite arriving.  Never at rest.  When we have toxic shame, our shame has become an identity or operating system for life.

Healthy Shame

On the other hand, there is such a thing as healthy shame.  Healthy shame lets us know that we have limits.  We are not God.  We have permission to make mistakes and be a human being.  The freedom to make a mistake produces creativity, joy, hope and love!  Peace and rest become real.  We begin to experience self acceptance.

Roots of Shame

During childhood our identity is beginning to form.  We rely on our parents to give us our identity.  We see ourselves through their eyes.   In order to grow a secure and positive sense of self during this formational time, we need a strong sense of love and affirmation from our parents.  This helps us download a secure and whole operating system for life.  

On the other hand, when we experience shame through abandonment, neglect or abuse in childhood, the result is a shame and fear based identity.  Life becomes a constant struggle to attain the perception of safety and security - the goal of a shame based operating system. The security or fear we experienced in our home during childhood moves into our heart when we set out into the world.  We inherit our operating system from our parents: The whole or broken grid through which we view the world and ourselves.

OS 2.0 

If you operate from a place of toxic shame, the good news is it’s possible to download a new operating system.  This requires identification of your old OS and the intentionality to do something about it.  It also may require the assistance of a trained counselor who knows how to work with shame.  Thankfully, it’s not necessary to continue to serve the unrelenting master of toxic shame.

~ Josh Grover LMHC