Toxic Shame vs. Healthy Shame

The opposite of personal wholeness is toxic shame.  

Toxic Shame

Toxic or unhealthy shame makes us feel deeply divided against ourselves.  For the person who struggles with toxic shame, it’s almost as if they walk alongside themselves in a spirit of constant criticism or comparison, whispering insults and judgment along the way.  Always attempting to measure up to some standard and never quite arriving.  Never at rest.  When we have toxic shame, our shame has become an identity or operating system for life.

Healthy Shame

On the other hand, there is such a thing as healthy shame.  Healthy shame lets us know that we have limits.  We are not God.  We have permission to make mistakes and be a human being.  The freedom to make a mistake produces creativity, joy, hope and love!  Peace and rest become real.  We begin to experience self acceptance.

Roots of Shame

During childhood our identity is beginning to form.  We rely on our parents to give us our identity.  We see ourselves through their eyes.   In order to grow a secure and positive sense of self during this formational time, we need a strong sense of love and affirmation from our parents.  This helps us download a secure and whole operating system for life.  

On the other hand, when we experience shame through abandonment, neglect or abuse in childhood, the result is a shame and fear based identity.  Life becomes a constant struggle to attain the perception of safety and security - the goal of a shame based operating system. The security or fear we experienced in our home during childhood moves into our heart when we set out into the world.  We inherit our operating system from our parents: The whole or broken grid through which we view the world and ourselves.

OS 2.0 

If you operate from a place of toxic shame, the good news is it’s possible to download a new operating system.  This requires identification of your old OS and the intentionality to do something about it.  It also may require the assistance of a trained counselor who knows how to work with shame.  Thankfully, it’s not necessary to continue to serve the unrelenting master of toxic shame.

~ Josh Grover LMHC

What is Wholeness?

 In the world of psychology and mental health, we are really good at defining what is wrong with us,  but what does it look like to be right, healthy, or whole?  Would we know it if we saw it?  Are there degrees of wholeness?  Does wholeness look the same for you as it does for me?  

Wholeness is a complex issue because it involves all of what makes us human - Mind, body, soul, emotions and relationships.  None of these can be scientifically studied in a vacuum, put under a microscope or dissected.  You may argue that we can dissect the body and look at it on a molecular level, and you’d be right.  Does this give us accurate or complete information about how the body interplays with the soul or emotions?  I’m not so sure.

“Wholeness is our capacity to experience health as transcending all limitations while accepting them, overcoming this virus of perfectionism which keeps us locked into an imaginary world rather than the real world...it is paradoxically in accepting (limitations) that we can transcend them.”

— Laurence Freeman

The Mindset of Wholeness

Because the subject of wholeness is so immense, I’d like to start by considering just 3 parts of what it means to be whole: 

1. How we see ourselves - The whole person is able to see themselves truthfully and accept his/her limitations as well as areas of personal excellence.  This requires relational feedback and personal reflection.  The whole person doesn’t only see themselves in a positive light.  They are able to see their flaws, idiosyncrasies  and sin.  Rather than self-condemnation in their shortcomings they are able to embrace themselves with acceptance and grace.  The whole person also recognizes that they have blind spots.  They are committed to self-compassion and curiosity in the areas of the unknown.  For some people, accepting the negative is easy but it’s more difficult to accept the good. The whole person is able to integrate both the good and bad as part of reality.

2. What we do with how we see ourselves - The whole person moves toward improving our limitations and shortcomings and utilizing areas of personal excellence.  This is not a striving for perfection.  A whole person rests in who and where they are in life, while seeking personal growth for the benefit of self and others.  There is a resting in each moment because perfection is not the goal and one never arrives at a place of perfection.  Each moment is good even though we may experience pain and brokenness in the moment.  There is a greater story being written, and the imperfections of life make it beautiful - but I’m getting ahead of myself as I begin to delve into the spirituality of wholeness...more on that later. 

3. What we do when we go “backwards” - In case you missed it, life is not a steady improvement in the right direction.  A whole person will have pain, struggle and broken relationships.  Wholeness is not dependent upon our circumstances.  A whole person is able to find comfort within the discomfort of life.  

We all want to feel whole.  It cannot be attained.  Often, the harder we try to become whole the more we experience our brokenness.  Wholeness must be realized and therefore received.  It is a gift of God, and free of cost to any who would ask. There is so much more that can be said on wholeness.  In my next post I’ll give some thoughts on wholeness and spirituality.

- Josh Grover MA, LMHC